The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
