why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
