I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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