New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
