There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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