I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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