so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
is that a dick in a sweater?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
