I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
