you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
