i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
