Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
