toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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