im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
