How'd it feel making her break her religion?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
