You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
