I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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