Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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