My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
