Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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