If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
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No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
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you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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