Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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