my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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