Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
