I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
