weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
