SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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