she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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