Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
