saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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