i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
