the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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