Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
