What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
