i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
