my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
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Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
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"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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