I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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