Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
