I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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