Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
A+ Viking dick
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
