i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I want a musical about memes.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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