The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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