I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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