you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
