the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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