This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
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so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
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In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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