I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
