A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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