its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
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Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
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I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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