I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
