Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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