I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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