apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
