it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
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She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
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Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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