this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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