I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize