So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
