we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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