I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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