so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
