There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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