i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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